Extremely short patience
Struggle to maintain executive functions
Low water intake
Zero attention span
Low desire to journal
Avoidance of all the things
No retention of information
Awful short term memory
Struggle to comprehend information
I stop walking my dog
These are all symptoms, though I really hate that word, of my anxiety. These are things that I have begrudgingly come to realize are usually a result of me feeling anxious about something or other. But some of these can also be causes that build on each other to create anxiety where there needs not be any. Some of these things are also things that should, technically, be easy to solve. It should be simple enough to drink more water, which I know makes me feel better, and helps my brain function better. But when I'm in an anxiety spiral I can't do it. I know getting outside and walking my dog makes me and her feel better. But I can’t do it.
Anxiety is a vicious cycle.
The more I learn about it, the more I hate it. I am not on the same road I was with depression. I did hate depression. It sucked, but the more I learned about my depression, the more I came to accept it for what it was and learn to live with it. I still don't love depression, I'm fascinated by the idea that it's possible to live without this, I'd love to know what that's like, but I don't fear depression anymore. I don't hate it anymore. It just is there, its a part of my life, its something I can recognize and usually manage now, with the help of medication.
But anxiety? That's a whole other beast. There is no rhyme or reason or logic or predictability. It's the boy who cried wolf, you can never trust it. Sometimes you're like "yeah, this is legit, it's ok to be anxious about this situation" and then it turns out its totally illogical and you wasted a ton of energy being anxious about something pointless. Sometimes you don't get anxiety in situations where you probably should. Sometimes it shows up for no apparent reason and you just have to weather the storm until it passes.
Depression made me sad and hopeless, those are things I have learned how to deal with. Anxiety infuriates me. I hate it with every atom of my being.
If I had to pick one to keep, but experience more intensely for the rest of my life, it would be depression. That I think I could manage. This anxiety bullshit throws me for a loop and I have no idea how to handle it. Not having a clue how to deal with it, or to even be able to recognize it early enough to intervene, makes me irrationally angry. It makes me feel absolutely helpless, which is one of the worst feelings in the world. It feels like running on a hamster wheel that never stops, or sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill, or being stuck in a tumble dryer forever.