I know this happens in other professions. And I assume it also brings feelings of slight shame, embarrassment, and the classic "c'mon, really?!" feelings.
I can write for other people. I can write about other people. I can make them sound great! But when it comes to writing about myself... Holy hell its like impossible. The words just don't work. In fact, the letters don't even work. They don't even make words.
I have some homework to do for this photography/business workshop/retreat that I'm attending this coming weekend. I'm equal parts excited and scared shitless about the workshop.
I've been avoiding the homework. There are questions to answer. Broad, open-ended questions about what I want and where I want to be. And I can't answer them for love nor money.
If I was answering this on someone else's behalf I would have no problem teasing the story out of them, and getting them several paragraphs.
But of course, when trying to answer them myself, I can't think of any of the questions I would ask someone else. And I can't think of anything to put down. So far I have one really weak paragraph for the long question, and a 5-6 word sentence for each of the smaller questions.
This is exceedingly frustrating to me because it totally contributes to those impostor syndrome feelings that we all get. Because the dragon on my shoulder is going "well if you can't even write for yourself, how in the hell are you going to write for anyone else?" and tut-tutting at me with a smug look on its face. Never mind that I have written for other people and they've been happy with it. More than once even.
It also makes me feel a bit like "well if I can't answer these questions then what am I doing going to this workshop and wasting their time?". The dragon is also going "Yeah, you really should have just stuck with the silent meditation retreat this year, you can't really screw that up."
Earlier this week my therapist and I talked about this dragon. Or devil, whatever you prefer to call it. And how originally my response to anything from it was a desperate pleading "just give me a chance." And how a better thought pattern/response would be "Watch me do it!"
So, here I am, writing this blog post about how I can't write. Which is hilarious in and of itself. And procrastinating and avoiding the homework for this workshop that is so perfectly timed and needed in my life at this moment.
So, how do I say "Watch me do it!" here?
Find a way to shut the dragon up and just start puking words onto the page I guess. Maybe if I just type and type and type something will start to make sense eventually... That seems to be how it usually works.