Stuff sucks sometimes
I've been on the fence about writing this post today.
On one hand, I'm a big proponent of blunt honesty and not sugar coating things. I'm also a big advocate for talking about your mental health and destroying the stigma surrounding that, for learning to talk about our feelings frankly.
On the other hand, I don't want to focus or dwell on the negativity in my mind today. I don't want this to be about complaining. I don't want this to be a plea for sympathy. It's not.
I do not need any sympathy. I am fully responsible for the situation I am in right now, and I am the only one that can take responsibility for improving it.
So here's the honest truth. Today has been shitty. I got some news yesterday that sucked. News that people warned me might come, but that I chose to believe wouldn't. Because I didn't find explicit evidence saying that what I wanted to do was not allowable.
It hit me hard. Yesterday was the downward spiral, and today has been sitting in the muck at the bottom of the well.
I had a few thoughts on waking up today. One was to just not get out of bed all day and sleep it off. The second idea was to stuff it all down, not think about any of it, and get on with the next things to do in life. Ultimately, I decided that it needed to be a bit of a self-care day, while still being productive. Acknowledge the shittiness, feel the feelings, and allow them to exist, while doing what I can to still meet my personal daily commitments.
So I slept in a bit. I made myself my cocoa-turmeric-pepper-cinnamon-cayenne drink. I ate whatever I wanted. I worked on the first assignment for one of the email courses I've signed up for. I looked through job ads for my local area, and then communications job ads further abroad since there is only one locally. I did some budgeting. I covered a shift at the yoga studio. I did some writing. I meditated.
These are things that are self-care for me. So I've felt the feelings today. I've acknowledged that I have options and paths forward. And I've tried to go easy on myself and not have too big of expectations for today. I think I've succeeded.
I'm still not feeling awesome. I'm still disappointed. I feel a bit stupid, a bit naive, and a like a bit of a failure. But there's a few things I've tried to remind myself of today:
If I let something like this defeat me, then how bad do I really want this dream? This is not the end of the world, it is a speed-bump, a detour, a challenge, and an opportunity to be resilient and practice my problem-solving skills.
I still have significantly more opportunity and privilege, even in this crappy experience, than many people in the world. Many people in much shittier circumstances than me have still built their dreams.
The future is not today, and the only way out of this is one step at a time. One blog post at a time, one photo at a time. The only way out is to put my head down and keep making baby steps.
This is a learning experience. What I'm meant to learn I'm not sure yet, but eventually, I'll look back on this and be able to see what it taught me.